anxiety, depression, Mental Health, ppd

To My Son, I Am Sorry

I’m sorry I didn’t love you when I first looked into your eyes
I’m sorry I found it hard to smile, and mostly only cried

I’m sorry you went so hungry on the first day of your life
I’m sorry I didn’t ask for help from anyone around

I’m sorry I took you home because I wanted to be alone
I’m sorry you had to cry so hard on the first night in your home

I’m sorry I didn’t breathe you in and hold you oh so close
I’m sorry I never sang to you or kissed your tiny toes

I’m sorry for turning on the breastpump and watching TV all day
I’m sorry I didn’t just sit on the floor with you and play

I’m sorry I spent so much time Googling how to be perfect
I’m sorry I never was, and I was always in such a panic

I’m sorry I ranted and raved at you as your cried in your crib
I’m sorry I ever accused you of being the worst thing that I did

I’m sorry we didn’t leave the house for months because there are people out there
I’m sorry you don’t have any baby friends because your Mummy is just too scared

I’m sorry anxiety makes me irritable, it’s truly not your fault
I’m sorry I have to remind myself that you’re still just oh so small

I’m sorry I often ignore you, and sit on the sofa idle
I’m sorry I tell you to piss off when you only want a cuddle

I’m sorry it takes so long for me to get up out of bed
I’m sorry that you so often have to sit and amuse yourself

I’m sorry I’m just not strong enough to ever get any better
I’m sorry I am not the Mummy that your sweet little soul deserves

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